What Doesn’t Really Matter

Hospitality, Presence, and the Art of Stepping Back

I recently attended a mentoring training through The Center for Courage and Renewal—an organization I highly recommend for its rich offerings in community, trainings, and retreats. On the final morning of the training, I received challenging feedback from a writer mentee. The feedback was unexpected and disquieting. Yet because I have a trusting relationship with this person, I could receive it as coming from an honest and vulnerable place.

Still, I felt the sting.

As Divine interventions go, the two sessions that morning were on 'Embracing Paradox in the Mentoring Relationship' and 'Offering and Receiving Feedback. The timing could not have been more perfect.

In contemplating the feedback, I saw how easily I lose mindfulness and hospitality when I rush. When I feel charged, my words can tighten. The paradox I was sitting in became clear:

“The mentoring space is both hospitable AND charged”

Working with writers as their sherpa, this invitation to be both hospitable and charged can be challenging but essential to creating a safe and dynamic space for the writer. The space is always soulful, always charged. When I rush or get swept up in the charge, I can come across as critical and biased—and the writer may shut down or lose trust in themselves or me. The feedback I received was a reminder to slow down, to be hospitable to myself and the other, especially when giving suggestions on their writing.

The experience gave me a guiding question, which is from #2 of the 6 Paradoxes of mentoring: (The space is hospitable AND “charged.”)

How can I be charged and challenging, while still being hospitable? What would that look like in this kind of mentoring relationship?

These active contemplations followed me into some social engagement that day as well. I noticed how I can be un-hospitable to myself when I am in a charged environment and feeling charged myself. So it is just as important to give myself the inner space to let go of what doesn’t matter (the harshness, the comparisons, the rushing) and invite hospitality in.

Holding the above questions loosens the grip of assumptions or fear. It allows me to let go of what doesn’t really matter—the fleeting discomfort and worry, a need to be “right,” some shame, or the need to change things quickly, an urgency that pushes me out of presence—and to return my attention (my life force) to what does matter: the trust, the truth, the courage of the inner work. This allows me to be more fully present for myself and others.

The simple act of pausing, of stepping back, helps us discern what is arriving that deserves our attention and energy, and what doesn’t.. The pauses and considerations help us set down what is heavy but not necessary, so that what is essential can be carried with care.

Stepping Back
Creates the space–
For insight,
Some small flame
Of creativity,
For some new
Sprout
To push through
To the light
The growth will
Do what’s needing to be done;
Our work is to
Create the space
– Judy Brown

Try This: Writing Prompt, Active Contemplation & Contemplative Action

✏️ Writing Prompt
Recall a recent moment when you felt charged in a conversation or interaction. Write the scene in detail—include the physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions.
Then, rewrite the scene imagining you paused, stepped back, and brought hospitality toward yourself and the other person.
What shifted?

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💭 Active Contemplation
As you move through your day, notice the moments that feel charged.
When you feel that internal tightening, silently ask yourself:

“What here truly matters?”

Observe what drops away and what remains when you give yourself a breath before responding.

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🌿 Contemplative Action
Choose one small, tangible thing you can release today—an unnecessary worry, a rushed obligation, a self-criticism.
Consciously set it down. This could be as simple as:

• Taking a longer lunch break without multitasking

• Leaving an email unanswered until tomorrow

• Replacing self-judgment with a hand over your heart

Let the pause be an act of hospitality.

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